So tonight I’m calling all astronauts. Calling lonely people that the world forgot. If you hear my voice come pick me up. Are you out there? ‘Cause you’re all I’ve got!

And so, I wait because you have already left and my work here, is done. I wait and wonder how my skin feels like it’s made of love letters written a hundred years too soon (too late). I wonder at the mystery of life and how much of it can possibly remain. I wonder at pain and hurt and love and time and how much of each I held. I wonder at how I cannot remember anything in my life before I met you. I wonder at the tiniest of touches and try, desperately, to keep their memories alive. I wonder at loneliness. I wonder at how long it’ll be, before I see you again. I wait. And I wonder.

‎2011 is the year that went by so fast, maybe a little too fast. It’s the year your so-called friend walks out of your life, and it’s the year you realized who the real ones are. It’s the year you felt so pressured to the point you gave up so many times but still learning how to get back up. It’s the year you said you were going to accomplish great things yet you feel like you just wasted time. It’s the year you cried over too many pointless things too many times. It’s the year you look back on all your lifetime memories in which you find yourself missing the people in them. But it’s also the year that you move on, slowly, and you realize that that’s okay.

What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction.

I love you.

Despite everything.

I still love you so much because I loved you so much then, and I don’t have a forgetful heart. You were perfect. You treated me so unbelievably perfect that my standards are now as high as they go. But it sucks, almost four years later and still you’re the only one I want to be that good to me. There’s just no one else. I’m not willing to push though and start loving anyone else, It’s only you. Your rudeness, your sarcasm, I’d prefer it. I want you back, I wasn’t ready to give you up then but you seemed so excited and ready for the change that I had to look like I was as strong as you. But you know me, you know i’m not ok without you. My happiness has been so little since we split. I LOVE YOU. I’m not able to not LOVE you. I don’t want to not love you. Maybe these words will get me nowhere, I’ll settle and deal. But always remember…It’s the “tot” that counts.

I do not blame you for walking away, far from it. The days that I would spend with you playfully became less common, the talks of dreams and seeing the world sparser, the basic act of listening which I did not fully comprehend yet was lacking, and in the end I failed to see the simple things you needed.